I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
