dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
