She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
