Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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