I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
organizing the empties. That sober.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
