I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She needs sedatives and a leash
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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