The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
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I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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