I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
