well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
