I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
