My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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