I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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