Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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