Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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