Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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