Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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