I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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