Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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