hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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