i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i think my cat just said my name.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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