Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
