dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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