her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my sisters under your porch take her home
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We are all done wearing pants today
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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