Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
