My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
