my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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