I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
