Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
don't judge my taste in strippers
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
