Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
time to smoke my breakfast
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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