You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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