Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
