she looked like the before picture.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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