I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
