She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
