i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
