we have officially lost it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
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Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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