my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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