I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
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Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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