i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
