I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
