3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
