I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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