We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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