she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
