***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
