just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
