I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
