I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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