Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
