we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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