i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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