At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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