made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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