i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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