Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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