Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
