I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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