when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
